My encounter with an out-of-towner.

TOURIST: Excuse me, how do you get to Ground Zero?

ME: Practice. Practice. Practice.

TOURIST: (dazed stare)

Jeff 4.0

To celebrate my 40^th, some friends and I went to Commerce for dinner. Commerce was once Grange Hall, a restaurant I used to go to often but hadn’t been to since it closed years ago.

This seemed like a perfect place to have my 40^th. It was immediately familiar, since they hadn’t changed the interior much at all. I knew where everything was; the bar, my favorite seat, the bathrooms. And a quick glance around brought back memories of dinners, brunches, and lunches I enjoyed over the years. Yet, the menu was completely new and foreign.

It was a lot like being 40. At this point, I know myself pretty well, but I have no expectations as to what might be coming next. I’m comfortable, but not so comfortable that I’ve given up on being surprised. Given how much fun the night was, I hope the rest of my 40's keeps the analogy alive.

Who blogs anymore?

Now that there's Twitter and Facebook?

You can find me there if you need me. Although there's nice stuff to read here too.

Hey, let go my ego!

I know of people who vow never to join Facebook. Many of them cite their fear of having their identity stolen as their main reason for keeping away.

To me, this is akin to Navajos believing cameras could steal their souls.

Let's pretend for a moment being on Facebook really did set you up for identity theft. In this reality, eventually, we'd all have our identities stolen. This could teach us a valuable lesson. Maybe we'd come to realize these identities we hold so dear aren't really something we can "own," and that we are too attached to our idea of "self."

But what's so bad about a future where I steal a little piece of your identity? After all, in this world, you've probably pick-pocketed a little slice of mine. My neighbor downstairs might have stashed away some of my identity too. He's probably after those precious years where I had all my hair and zero acne. In the end, we'd all own a little piece of each other. Isn't that beautiful? Our true connectedness would surface and we'd all become One.

I'm ready. I'll get the ball rolling. My Social Security number is 105-75-63... On second thought.

In the news.

In Antarctica, researchers have found five cases of whiskey buried beneath the ice for over 100 years. The researchers are now frantically digging through the ice in hopes of finding five cases of sour mix.

That was the first joke I wrote for my "Writing for Late Night" class. I preferred the version below, but it didn't go over as well:

In Antarctica, researchers have discovered five cases of whiskey buried beneath the ice for over 100 years. They’ve also discovered Julie, the researcher none of them would have ever gone home with before, is now strangely attractive.

Disastrous

I think more Americans would text "Haiti" to make a donation if they knew how to spell Haiti.

Stereo-typist.

Today I discovered I can stereotype 30 races per minute.

Making a blockbuster movie is easy. (Spoiler alert)

Yesterday, I enjoyed a traditional Jewish Christmas – a movie and Chinese food.

The movie was Avatar, which was visually stunning. Directed by James Cameron, it bore striking similarities to his other blockbuster, Titanic. Both feature a main character that goes on a journey initially meant for someone else. Both of these characters then fall in love with a woman from a completely different world than their own. They are both found guilty of a crime the are truly innocent of, and locked up while disaster occurs all around them. A woman eventually frees them both and they go off to save the day. Both our heroes die in the end, only for us to learn that their spirits live on.

Simple. Go write a blockbuster today.

Usually it's a period, not a hyphen, that causes bleeding.

I shave in the shower. So I have, what is supposed to be, a fog-less mirror. This would imply it's a mirror that doesn't get foggy.

Rather than "Fog-less Mirror," the box should read: "Fog. Less Mirror." That's what I wind up with - a lot of fog, which leaves much less mirror to see myself in.

Let the clotting begin.

I need to work on my typing skills.

I misspelled an emoticon today.

Is it bad that I only become aware of historic or socially significant events when Google changes their logo?

Carbon(ated) dating.

Recently, the company I work for created an iPhone application for Amp, an energy drink made by Pepsi. It was called "Know Before You Score," and it was designed to help guys pick up women. As reported in the Los Angeles Times:

The application provides pick-up lines and other charming tools to seduce a "wide" variety of females -- 24 in total -- including the bookworm, the cougar, the athlete and the women's studies major. It also has a "Brag" feature which encourages users to "include the name, date, and whatever details you remember" about successful hookups or failed conquests.

Pepsi removed the application after receiving heated criticism for stereotyping women. Ridiculous move Pepsi! You guys make a living selling tons and tons of corn-syrup-infused water to millions. Promoting sex between two (or more) human beings is certainly a much more natural and wholesome offering. I'd continue down that path, and forget the fizzy stuff.

And the app was educational. Who knew there were 24 different types of women?

Let's put national healthcare reform into a giant silver balloon so it can get some real attention.

Thank your friendly multi-national banking conglomerate for saving your life!

Thousands of Americans are being driven from their homes by an insidious danger: defective Chinese drywall. This Great Drywall of China contains sulfur compounds, causing foul odors, nosebleeds, headaches, and the corrosion of metal objects and appliances, forcing residents to flee in droves.

So, a hefty pat on the back to our Nation’s housing lenders and banks. For years, they’ve been trying to protect everyday citizens by taking away their homes, one by one.

When the likes of Fannie Mae, Citibank, and Countrywide heard everyday Americans were under attack from a Communist threat lurking within their sunken living rooms, they leaped into action. They didn’t waste time asking if homes even had this drywall, they couldn’t take that chance. They foreclosed first and asked questions later. Every split-level ranch was a potential Manchurian Candidate, a sleeper cell waiting to unleash anti-American fury.

Now, don’t worry about me, I’ve had all my drywall replaced with faith-based interior supports. While government bailouts are a small step towards thanking them for their selfless efforts, my gratitude will likely go a long way in their recovery.

Leave health care alone.

The New York Times reports 263,000 jobs were lost in September, with the one bright spot being the health care industry, which ADDED 19,000 jobs. By contrast, 64,000 construction jobs were lost last month. I think it's clear that our health care system is WORKING. Literally.

We must all urge Obama to leave our health care system alone! We cannot risk tinkering with a sector that's producing jobs. Clearly, people's lack of adequate preventative health care is keeping doctors from joining the ranks of those unemployed construction workers. I mean if Indians start losing their jobs too, our unemployment lines will start looking like auditions for the Village People. As a country, we can not go back to the days of the Village People.

A booming health care industry also keeps tons and tons of 5-month old magazines in waiting rooms across the nation, and out of landfills. So you see, the current system is also good for the environment. So please join in me in calling for end to health care reform.

Come to think of it, if doctors were to wind up on the unemployment lines, it would put everyday out-of-work Americans closer to their health care providers. Hmmmm. Let me think this over some more.

Facebook Coincidence.

These two friends of mine know nothing of each other, and just happened to wind up with back to back postings on my wall. The earworms are everywhere.

My book report.

Recently, I was unpacking some books. As I took them out of the box, I put them randomly on my bookshelf without paying much attention. When I went back to organize them properly, I saw these two books had wound up next to each other.

      

The universe is one kooky place.

Partly cloudy with a 90% chance of a bargain.

If you live in NYC, you know it's rained a lot recently. You're probably also keenly aware of those ubiquitous $5 black umbrellas that blow apart in the wind, or from the light breeze of a sneeze.

That's why I was surprised to find a box full of incredible umbrellas for five and seven bucks in the back of this Lower East Side pharmacy. These are seriously sturdy, big umbrellas, for the price you'd pay for disposable one. I have to wonder if they're mis-priced. Go get 'em.

I don't think this neighborhood can appreciate the amazingness.

Snapped this in Vancouver two New Years Eves ago. Just re-found it in my camera. Click pic to enlarge.

Nice solution.

I like this billboard for Puma stores down by Lafayette and Houston. I'm sure the assignment was to simply let people know where in NYC you can find their flagship stores and running shoes. The addition of three simple words turns it into a fun and memorable message that makes great use of its location. Well done. (Click pic to enjoy the details.)