Put your thinking yarmulkes on.

The Holocaust. Without doubt, one of the worst atrocities man ever committed against man in human history. We've all seen the horrific images of Jews starving away in concentration camps. But one has to imagine, there must have been one week there when everybody looked really, really hot. Folks walking around with 2% body fat. It must have been impossible for them to keep their hands off each other. Maybe that's why they had to separate the men and women. It was becoming a sex farm.

But seriously, my own family has dealt with Jewish persecution. In fact, when my great-great grandparents came thru Ellis Island, they changed their last name to avoid anti-Jewish sentiment in the New World. They chose "Greenspan," the name I have now. They just felt it was less Jewish sounding than their original last name - "Kyke."

Okay now, these jokes might have you branding me as some sort of anti-semite. And whatever else I do will now be filtered through that opinion of yours. That could be dangerous.

For instance, take a look at Mel Gibson. Everyone's wondering is he anti-semetic? The media keeps debating what his true feelings about the Jews are. Actors are taking full page ads out in Variety magazine distancing themselves from him and his Jew-hating diatribes. The public needs to know, is Mel Gibson anti-semetic? How does he really feel about the Jews?

While everyone's busy debating whether Mel's a Jew-hater or not, nobody seems overly bothered by the fact he's a FUCKING DRUNK DRIVER! This millionaire could afford to have TWO designated drivers waiting for him. Instead, he gets behind the wheel intoxicated, endangering innocent people's lives! What a schmuck. To me, that's a whole lot worse than being anti-semetic.

Mel's now pegged as an anti-semite. That gives him a free pass for whatever else he might do. Drunk driving? Anti-semite! Caught shoplifting? Yell out some derogatory words about the Jews, and problem solved. Now you're not a shoplifter, you're an anti-semite. What if he goes out and starts raping women in the town square? There goes Mel, that wacky anti-semite.

So, don't be bothered over whether my jokes make me an anti-semite or not. It's a distraction. It keeps you from realizing I could be something much, much worse.