Useful tips.

Enjoy.

On repressing fake memories.

As is the case with most new places I work, somebody recently called me Jeffrey. I was quick to explain I prefer Jeff. Happily, that's as far as it went. I wasn't so lucky at the last place I worked. At that job, this guy called me Jeffrey, and continued to do so after I told him I really hated it. He figured the more he called me Jeffrey, the funnier it was.

One day, I took him aside and told him my uncle molested me when I was very young, that he used to call me Jeffrey, and being called that brings up a lot of painful memories so I'd be grateful if he stopped. He looked visibly disturbed, apologized, and never called me Jeffrey again.

My uncle never molested me. He never called me Jeffrey either. But from that moment on, whenever I was around this co-worker, I felt I had to take on the persona of a guy who had been molested by his uncle:

"How would a guy who was molested by his uncle use the water cooler?"

"How would a guy who was molested by his uncle complain about the time-sheet software?"

"How would a guy who was molested by his uncle steal shit out of the office refrigerator?"

It was tough keeping up this charade. I'm glad I have a new job.

Savor this moment of being a reader rather than a consumer.

That is all.

Will somebody please give this guy a blowjob already so we can impeach him?

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The down-side of suicide.

If things got really bad. And the whole universe was against you. And you only had one friend in the whole wide world. And you asked this friend to end it all with you by going into a suicide pact together. The worst thing you could hear would be:

"Sorry. I'm already in a suicide pact with someone else."

That would suck.

Where can you combine your love of soup with the nostalgia of slavery?

Souplantation! - a chain of restaurants here on the west coast.

Why Souplantation? Why not Soupageddon? Or Soupocaust?

While I think it's a awful name for an eating establishment, I do recommend The Indentured Servitude Bisque.

...and I have looked over the mountain, and I have seen...wait, that's my car. Leave my car alone.

My friend drove us out for lunch today and parked at a meter. Being Martin Luther King Day, a national holiday, we didn't feed the meter.

We returned to find a parking ticket on our car! On MLK Day!

Soon after, we came upon the parking enforcement officer who was giving out more tickets. We stopped and asked what was up with that? She turned around and we realized she was black! A black woman giving out parking tickets on MLK Day! We've come a long way haven't we?

– "Uh, how come you're giving out parking tickets? It's a national holiday today. There's no meter parking on national holidays."

– "It's not a national holiday sir."

- "Yes it is. It's MLK Day."

- "MLK Day is not a national holiday."

- (trying to mask my disbelief that I'm arguing with a black woman over whether MLK Day is a holiday) "Yes. Yes It is."

- "Well, not according to the Venice Beach Parking Department."

So, apparently, the Venice Beach local government can decide what's a national holiday and what isn't. They've also changed my birthday from July 3rd to March 12th. Don't fuck with these fellows, they are very powerful.

Happy Belated New Year!

It's 2007!

I mean, it's been 2007!

I rang in the new year snowboarding outside of Vancouver. It was a great mountain, with views of the city below. I went with my buddy Jason and we both stayed with our friends Rob and Kerry who just moved to Vancouver.

If you're ever in Vancouver, and want to be treated like a king, I recommend staying with Rob and Kerry - the best hosts on either side of the border.

No reindeer in Austin, but they've got goats. And notes on the continuing decline of my standards.

I was staying in a cabin outside Austin with my friend Nic and his family for Christmas. While walking through the woods, we saw a bunch of goats on their way to a Christmas party of some sort. Check it out:



And here's me with Nic and his mom and dad. If me and Nic's family were in a band, this is probably what one of our band photos would look like:

His family not only opened their home to me for the holidays, but got me some cool presents too. Amongst the goodies were gift cards for Chinese restaurant, P.F. Chang's, and Banana Republic. That's kind of funny because when I first moved here, these two chain establishments brought to mind how Los Angeles had kind of lowered my standards. On my first week at work in LA, one of my co-workers invited me out for Chinese food. I accepted, but changed my mind when I heard it was P.F. Chang's. As a New Yorker, I didn't consider P.F. Chang's real Chinese food any more than I considered Pizza Hut to be Italian food. After being called a snob, I broke down and went:

Week 1 in LA: P.F. Chang's is not Chinese food.
Week 2 in LA: P.F. Chang's is alright I guess if there's nothing else around.
Week 3 in LA: Wow, I could go for some P.F. Chang's.

And in NYC, I would never go to Banana Republic. There were too many cool thrift stores in the East Village to even bother. But out here, it's all too spread out and sunny to be bothered hunting for clothes. Banana Republic is easy. LA is all about easy. Little by little, my standards get lowered in exchange for easy. And my gift cards will make it all even more Los Angeles-ier, I mean easier. Wise-ass rants aside, I really will enjoy the gifts. Banana Republic does have cool socks, which I really need since all the ones I own have holes in them. And I've already become addicted to the Chicken Lettuce Cups at Chang's. Thanks Briseno family! (especially for the fancy kaleidescope Eddie and Harriett). Merry Christmas!

Let's meet our fellow flyers.

I'm at the airport on my way to Austin, with my ticket in hand for the post-911 security sideshow. I've removed liquids and gels from my carry-on luggage. I've worn my good socks in preparation for taking off my shoes. I've severed al my ties to Al-Qaeda (except you Shakir, we've got something special, don't worry.)

But hey, what's this middle-eastern looking guy in front of me trying to check in?

Hmmmm.








Uhhhh.













TRIGGER SPRAY?

I don't know what the hell trigger spray is, but it sounds a hell of a lot more dangerous than all the body wash they've been confiscating.






So, who else is here at the airport? There's this guy getting his shoes shined. I found this guy to be quite an oddity. If you care enough about your appearance to get your boots shined, why would you wear them with white socks?

Holiday on Ice. (well, water)

It sounded like a big party was brewing down the street. It grew louder and louder until it seemed too loud to be a party that could fit into any of the neighboring small houses.

I went to investigate and found a hundred or so people lining the canals to watch a Christmas parade along the waterways.

Leave it to LA to figure out how to have a parade without tying up traffic.

A Christmas story.

Now that I'm in LA, there's a few things I miss about Christmas in New York. One is snow. Another is walking along streets lined with Christmas trees for sale.

A few years ago, I became fascinated by the Christmas tree vendors who descend upon NYC. For a little over a month every year, these guys leave their Canadian tree farms and LIVE in vans parked throughout Manhattan. It must be quite a culture shock.

I figured it'd be a good topic for a documentary. My plan was to capture the drama behind the scenes of country-folk trying to bring holiday cheer to millions of hardened New Yorkers. I also thought it was interesting how these trees play such an integral role in so many people's holidays, yet little is known about those who cultivate them. So, I set out to make my little movie happen.

Having been raised Jewish, I knew nothing about buying a Christmas tree. How much are they? Do they come in sizes and kinds? Do you tip the sales person? My first step was to research the buying process. That day, I visited the very next Christmas tree vendor I saw. I started asking the salesperson my questions. When I got personal, he got suspicious:

"Are you looking to buy a tree or not sir?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm thinking about doing a documentary on you Christmas-Tree-People."

"No fucking way! I'm not really a Christmas-Tree-Person. I'm a filmmaker working with these guys as research for a documentary!"

What are the chances this would be the first tree guy I ever approached in my life? I half expected all the customers to confess they were merely researching roles as extras in a shopping scene. So there we were. Me pretending to be a customer. Him pretending to be a sales guy. Only in New York. That's one of the other things I miss about Christmas in New York - there's just enough holiday spirit in the air for even the most jaded of urbanites to drop their defenses and realize what they have in common.

We bonded over our phoniness and agreed to try and work together. Alas, he had a baby and shelved his movie plan. I moved here to LA. And while I no longer get to see sidewalks lined with holiday trees, I do live on the Venice Canals amongst some beautifully decorated homes. However, this massive house down the street from me (see below) goes overboard every year.

They do something similar every Halloween too, complete with motion-sensor activated animatrons on the lawn:

You know inside this house there's a loveless marriage.

This being my first LA Christmas, what better place to spend it than in Texas? Yep, I'm off to hang out with my friend Nic and his family in a cabin outside of Austin. Happy holidays!

My collection of "people with psuedo-sexual surnames oddly linked to their professions" continues to grow.

Recently, I came across this story about the possibility circumcision may cut the risk of HIV (you can read the article here).

And who's the representative from the World Health Organization weighing in on the matter? Doctor Kevin De Cock of course.

This will look great on the shelf next to my previous find.

Holy crap, it's been a long time since I posted.

Apparently, documenting the minutiae of my life is such strenuous work, I've had to take a full month off from posting just to recharge.

I recently went back to NYC to shoot some commercials I wrote for ESPN's College Game Day Basketball show. One of the stars of these spots was former Duke star, Jay Bilas. He's an awfully nice guy and did a great acting job. Here's a shot of us trying to see who's taller:

In my defense, he's on his tippy-toes.

We shot with the talented and cool director, Adam Goldstein. You can see his reel here. The shoot went very well and it looks like we got some funny spots "in the can," as they say.

It was great being back home, seeing my friends/family. Speaking of friends and family, here's a pic I took when I was back home of Nic and Ilya busy being Nic and Ilya.









Ahhh, that Ilya, such a rapscallion with his nasty fingers.

Things are good.

Still in the honeymoon period here in LA. Job's going well. Having a great time. Great weather. Great apartment on the Venice Canals (even though it's only a temporary pad until February). Here's the view from the house I'm staying at:


My friend Jeremy came out here from NYC recently. We strolled around the canals and took in some of the sights:















As you can see, it's a pretty peaceful place.

While Jeremy was here, he took me to a party for PAPER magazine. It was a fun crowd of artists and performers. I saw a great band play there called The Deadly Syndrome. Their live presence was one to be reckoned with. They pulled off the difficult task of presenting serious music while maintaining a sense of fun. I hope I get to see them again. Check them out.

I just bought a new, much slimmer digital camera. So, hopefully I'll have more and more pics to share soon.

- sigh - Nobody walks in LA.

I bought a car. A 2000 Volkswagen Passat. I haven't owned a car in about twelve years. Shopping for one put in clear perspective how little I know about anything automotive. It was pitiful watching me open up the hood (it's called a hood, right?) and pretend I knew what I was looking at.

I almost got an '85 Mercedes. It was beautiful, but would have required more attention and love that I have in me right now.

Not sure how I'm going to like driving rather than walking. The great thing about New York is when you want to shoot someone, you don't have to roll down a window first.

Hollyween.

Halloween in Hollywood.

I went to a great Halloween party here. Halloween in L.A. feels a little different than in New York. Back home, folks just wear their costumes. Here, they become their costumes. Maybe it's because everyone out here's an actor. They're all so "method." For instance, on Halloween in NYC, a guy can come up to you all dressed up like Britney Spears and in a thick, tough-guy, New York accent tell ya "I'm Britney Fuckin Spears." But out here, on October 31st, that guy would BE Britney Spears. Voice. Walk. The works. Anyway, it makes for a fun party.

Halloween + L.A. got me thinking: this must be the one day of the year when mega-famous people can walk around the city without any problem. They just have to go out in costume. Tom Cruise could dress up like David Bowie, and no one would know. Cool.

The big fun for me on Halloween was going to the DEVO show at the Greek Theater. They were awesome! I've seen them a bunch of times and this was one of the longest and most varied sets I've had the pleasure to see. I was also fortunate enough to get backstage passes. That was another fun party.

After the show, I ran into a woman who also had an after-party wristband. She saw mine and asked where we were supposed to go. She looked awfully familiar...

ME: Hey, I think I know you. Did you ever work in NYC.

WOMAN: In NYC? You mean on a movie?

ME: No. At a radio station.

WOMAN: (seemingly offended) No.

I then realized she didn't work at 92.7 WDRE with me. She was Amy Heckerling, director of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Clueless, and other cool flicks. It's weird, sometimes you see people here and you think you know them from your own life, only to realize they're either famous, or kinda-famous. Here's a picture of Heckerling taken before I falsely recognized her:

Sorry to mention celebs again. I'm afraid I'll do it again, as they're Los Angeles' greatest natural resource.

LA is like one big children's party where celebrities are the hired clowns.

People here seem to be all about enjoying life. It's refreshing. Especially compared to the day-to-day cynicism I experienced, and contributed to, in NYC. Granted, the majority of my time is spent where I work and live (the beach communities of Venice, Santa Monica, and Marina Del Rey) and the vibe in these coastal towns might be more laid back than in Hollywood.

To give you some idea of the culture shock - this is a place where folks send me emails telling me to be aware of an upcoming "cosmic trigger event" where "...an ultraviolet (UV) pulse beam radiating from higher dimensions in universe-2 will cross paths with the Earth." The email encourages one to go outside and bask in the beam so their positive thoughts will be manifested here in our dimension. The still-cynical New Yorker in me thinks it's just a government ploy to flatten out the population by giving us all cancer more quickly. Maybe this email was circulating on the east coast, but out here, they take it seriously.

I just passed my test to get a California state driver's license. You can't just hand in your NY license, you have to take a written test. I got down to the DMV, and it was all decked out for Halloween. Again, something you probably wouldn't see in NYC. Cute, but I don't think there's any point in trying to make the DMV any more scary than it is. There's also something a bit disconcerting about asking a woman behind a huge spider web for a DL-44 form.

A fun distraction here are the celebrities. Of course, there are many celebs in NYC, but out here it's like a famous-person-petting-zoo. They'll come right up and eat out of your hand if you stand still enough. I was out with some work friends and we ran into Deep Roy, the dwarf from the new Willy Wonka movie. Some of the people I was with had cast him in a commercial awhile back and offered to buy him a drink. He was too busy with the ladies and said "no thanks." You know your pecking order in LA when even the 4' 4" celebrities turn down your drink offer. Here's a pic of Deep Roy taken at some point before he snubbed us:
The next day, I was invited to Houstons for a birthday brunch for my friend Clint. Houstons, while being nice and classy, is a chain restaurant. In NYC, no one seems to go to chain restaurants. My friends and I would marvel at the tourists on line to get into the NYC Olive Garden. Who the fuck goes to New York and eats at the Olive Garden? But out here, there's no point in wasting precious sunny-time to go looking for some out of the way bistro, so Houstons it was. The food was actually great. Actor Owen Wilson was there. And Brian Setzer, from the Stray Cats, was at the next table. Houstons is hopping! After the birthday ice-cream arrived, Brian came over and wished Clint a happy birthday. It would have been cool if he sang it. Here is a picture of Brian Setzer taken at some point before he was chowing down at Houstons:

Clint scored tickets, and backstage passes, for the Ladytron show at the Ford Theater. It was a great show at a terrific outdoor venue. He got the passes because he produced the videos for the opening band, CSS. They're a fun-loving Brazilian group out of San Paulo. Their full name is Portuguese for "Tired of Being Sexy." I'm a new fan after seeing their show.

In other news, my PowerBook G4 has broken down so often that Apple has agreed to swap it out for the new MacBook Pro laptop. Whoo Hooo! Until it arrives, I imagine my blog posts will continue to be spotty.

I've been living in a Marriott hotel since I arrived. My stuff doesn't get here from NYC until February, so I found a sublet until then which starts in about a week. It's a guest cottage right on the Venice Canals. It's a beautiful area and I feel very lucky to be able to live there, even for a short while. Here's a picture of the Venice Canals taken at some point before I got my apartment there:

Not too shabby, huh? I'll post some pics of my own once I settle in. Off to Houstons. Bye.

Come on.

The Co-Chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children is caught sending sexually explicit instant messages to young male pages...

...and the House Majority Leader weighing in on the issue is named Boehner?


Who's writing this stuff?

HANGING UP MY FREELANCER'S HAT.

Geez, I haven't written anything here in awhile. Guess that's because so much has been going on and I've been pretty busy. Hmmm, that's precisely when I should be updating this thing isn't it? Well, here's what's kept me away...

After freelancing for four years, I've accepted a full time writing gig at Ground Zero, Los Angeles. (www.groundzero.net). I went out there to freelance for a few weeks and it felt like a great fit. Not sure when exactly I'll be going back out to LA for my official first day. I have to sort out some things here in NYC first (apartment, etc.) but I expect I'll be out there again within a few weeks. Until then, if you're in NYC and want to hang out before I take off, drop me a line. Assuming I know you that is, it's not a good time for me to start new friendships, I'm leaving soon, and I'd only end up hurting you.