Monday, August 28, 2006

Stamp of approval

The other day I received a postcard from The Netherlands. All that was written on it was "High from Amsterdam." I noticed the stamp, which had been postmarked, was a bit thick and puffy. Peeling it back revealed a postage-stamp-sized block of hash.



Anonymous? Not really, I have my suspicions.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

A Saturday sighting.

Today I was having brunch with some friends at one of my favorite places, Le Gamin. Looking out the window, we saw an unusual sight. There was a female clown, hurriedly packing the trunk of her car with clown props and costume accoutrements. She was wearing most of her clown outfit already, and her painted face showed signs of panic, as if she was late or something. An older gentleman was helping her get her big clown shoes and stuff into the trunk. I thought it was odd that a clown was having trouble fitting stuff into a car's trunk, when dozens of them seem able to fit inside a car itself.

Anyway, she probably felt really stupid rushing to get to work once she realized today is Saturday. It's not a work day. All that pancake make-up for nothing.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Put your thinking yarmulkes on.

The Holocaust. Without doubt, one of the worst atrocities man ever committed against man in human history. We've all seen the horrific images of Jews starving away in concentration camps. But one has to imagine, there must have been one week there when everybody looked really, really hot. Folks walking around with 2% body fat. It must have been impossible for them to keep their hands off each other. Maybe that's why they had to separate the men and women. It was becoming a sex farm.

But seriously, my own family has dealt with Jewish persecution. In fact, when my great-great grandparents came thru Ellis Island, they changed their last name to avoid anti-Jewish sentiment in the New World. They chose "Greenspan," the name I have now. They just felt it was less Jewish sounding than their original last name - "Kyke."

Okay now, these jokes might have you branding me as some sort of anti-semite. And whatever else I do will now be filtered through that opinion of yours. That could be dangerous.

For instance, take a look at Mel Gibson. Everyone's wondering is he anti-semetic? The media keeps debating what his true feelings about the Jews are. Actors are taking full page ads out in Variety magazine distancing themselves from him and his Jew-hating diatribes. The public needs to know, is Mel Gibson anti-semetic? How does he really feel about the Jews?

While everyone's busy debating whether Mel's a Jew-hater or not, nobody seems overly bothered by the fact he's a FUCKING DRUNK DRIVER! This millionaire could afford to have TWO designated drivers waiting for him. Instead, he gets behind the wheel intoxicated, endangering innocent people's lives! What a schmuck. To me, that's a whole lot worse than being anti-semetic.

Mel's now pegged as an anti-semite. That gives him a free pass for whatever else he might do. Drunk driving? Anti-semite! Caught shoplifting? Yell out some derogatory words about the Jews, and problem solved. Now you're not a shoplifter, you're an anti-semite. What if he goes out and starts raping women in the town square? There goes Mel, that wacky anti-semite.

So, don't be bothered over whether my jokes make me an anti-semite or not. It's a distraction. It keeps you from realizing I could be something much, much worse.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Did my stand-up show.

Did my stand-up show tonight at Bowery Poetry Club. I got the gig after being "spotted" at a local open-mic. I had an AWESOME time, and the crowd seemed to as well. I was psyched to share the evening's bill with some terrific, and well-known, comedy and musical performers, including Mike Dobbins and Jason Trachtenberg of the The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players.

I hope to keep performing, and improving, my stand-up material. I'll keeps ya'll posted.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Country's oldest working lighthouse. Complete with oldest working lighthouse tour guide.

Some friends and I took the ferry out to Sandy Hook, New Jersey, to bike along the beach. It was a beautiful day, and a long fun ride. We peddled all the way to the Sandy Hook Lighthouse, the oldest working lighthouse in the U.S.A. The lighthouse is 242 years old. Our tour guide was roughly the same age.

Before the tour started, he warned us we'd be climbing a whopping 95 stairs to the top. He then warned us he'd have to make a few stops along the way to catch his breath, given he was "a bit older" than the tour group. At first, this sounded a bit cute and charming.

If you've ever been caught behind a slow moving elderly person, you know how frustrating it can be. It wasn't like we could breeze past him or anything. It was actually more comical than annoying. That is, until he veered off his "tour script" and started "improvising..."

(pointing towards some buildings lined up in ascending order)

"If you look out this window, you'll see a row of buildings. They kind of look like that Cingular commercial..."


"The one with the signal bars that go up and up..."

(silence) (cough)

"You guys know that Cingular commercial? The one with the bars?..."

(group groans "Yessss.")

"Well, I get a kick out of it."

If Cingular is paying this guy for product placement, that's brilliant. If Cingular's competition is paying this guy to make Cingular appear even more annoying, that's even more brilliant.

On the way down, I thought maybe they could put in one of those motorized chairs that takes folks up and down staircases. Can they put one of those in a lighthouse?

All in all, it really was a wonderful day. Oh, we also stopped and gawked at a nude beach. Again, the Cingular commercial came to mind.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Stand-up comedy. If at first you do succeed, try, try again.

My excursions into the world of comedy consist mainly of performing improv and writing sketch. I've only tried stand-up a few times in my life. This past Sunday, I gave it another go at FaceBoyz Open Mike. It went really well! It was a good sized room, about 40 people, and they laughed (at the right places).

One of the other performers was Jessica Delfino. She's a terrific comic, and the organizer of Shitload of Stars, a monthly East Village variety show. She thought I did a great set and invited me to join this month's show. Not bad for my 4th time getting up there, huh? If you want to come down and see my 5th time trying stand-up, and some other cool acts (including Jessica's) the details are below:

Monday, Aug. 14th, 8 PM at Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery.
$5 suggested donation, which means it can be free.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

What's all the fuss over female circumcision?

Today, where I'm freelancing, some people were discussing the prevalence of female circumcision in Africa and how horrible it is. I don't see the big deal. Personally, I don't think women should have foreskin.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Are you New York license plate AMG4910?

New York license plate AMG4910. Even though our time together was brief, I felt something special. I think you did too.

Maybe it was the way you ran that red light at the corner of 10th Street and Ave B. Or the indifference you showed when I
slammed on my brakes and toppled off my bike. Whatever it was, I think some call it Kismet.

At first, I wasn't sure you even knew I existed. But when you drove away, even after I banged on your car to let you know my bike was a bit damaged, I knew you were just being coy. Our dance had begun. I was surprised to see you chose to stop at the next red light. I was even more surprised when I managed to catch up to you, since my brake was now stuck to my back tire.

Remember when I placed my bike directly in front of your car, so you couldn't pass? Oh wait, remember when YOU called the police? Adorable. You were even cuter when the police showed up and you explained how I was the one breaking the law by not wearing a helmet. That officer, holding back a laugh as he told you that law was only for children under 13, ruined an otherwise wonderful afternoon between us.

Things went down hill from there. I accidentally hit the other officer in the face while he was examining my bike, and got bike grease on his nose and eyes. And we both found out unless an officer SEES you run a red light, nothing can be done to you, even though there was a outdoor-restaurant full of witnesses at the corner who cheered me on as I raced to catch up to you. Alas, the officers, and ultimately I, had to let you go. You obviously needed to be free. I'll hold on to the receipt for my bike repairs, to remember you always.

P.S. Call me.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

You're wrong Yahoo. It's UNfair.

We have a "severe weather alert," with 93º temperatures feeling like 106º. It's expected to climb to 101º.

Yet Yahoo! Weather claims today is fair. What the hell? Does the weather now have Karl Rove handling its spin? Look out for those "brisk" tornadoes.

Here are a couple of pics I took last winter to help you get through this "fair" day here in New York.

These garbage cans have it made in the shade.

Sceanrio A:
Some kid had a mighty cold hand, and was sad.

Scenario B:
Some kid finally learned how to stop getting beat up at school.